Find Your Village
Finding a village is something that I see talked about often online, but if you don’t have a built in network ready to go, it can take some effort to find. I got lucky to find our club through my local Facebook Buy Nothing Group. One of our members posted a workout set, and had us write our favorite workout to be considered for the item. My twins were only 7 months at the time, and I said my favorite exercise was carrying my twins around the house! She chose me because of my answer, and asked if she could message me about a twin club. I ended up going to the summer picnic, only having talked to our member through Facebook. Her twins were older than mine, so we were on complete opposite nap schedules. I showed up right as she was leaving. Showing up to something not knowing anyone is not usually my strong suit, but I found a different member to become part of her family for the day. I officially joined at the next meeting, and the rest is history! I look back and am sometimes still surprised I went, because it’s so out of character for me to join something where I know no one and nothing is in my control. It led me to our club, and I couldn’t be more thankful!
Another thing we don’t always think about is being a villager. People want a village, but sometimes you have to step up to support others in need first. I have a reminder on my to-do list to check in with a friend every Saturday. It doesn’t have to be a huge conversation, but it’s a nice opportunity to reach out to someone I don’t talk to regularly, just to reconnect or check in. When I’m able, I also love to send a quick $5 or $10 on Venmo if I hear a friend has a sick kid, or is going through a hard time. I know I’m someone who isn’t great at asking for help, so if I can offer it to someone similar to me, I know it’s much appreciated. We’re all so busy, but a quick text, note to say I’m here and thinking of you, or a little money for a sweet treat can go a long way and make someone’s day!
I love making new friends, and have a group of mom friends (originating from pre-kid days, and has morphed into mostly moms over time) where we schedule monthly get togethers (moms only). I started small with this- it used to be an annual Christmas party, but as I got deeper into motherhood, I realized that my social time was even more important to me, and we stretched it into monthly get togethers. Sometimes we go somewhere, but most of the time, it’s just a night at my house with a fun theme. We have a very open show up if you can, no hard feelings if you can’t, come as you are policy, and I find myself really looking forward to these nights! As someone who works from home without a lot of other adult interaction, these nights really fill my cup!
There are also local mom groups! Check in with other club members. I was recently invited to an open house of a mom club in our community, so I’m excited to check that out. I’ve also found success in chatting with other moms with similar aged kids at play museums and other play areas nearby. Something that I tend to look for is moms who have a similar parenting style to me, especially if our kids close in age. There are also many lessons to be learned with different expectations and parenting styles as well, but as a type A teacher with some control issues… I know myself and where I’m going to feel the most comfortable. ;)
That being said- knowing yourself, your needs, and what works for you is something I have come to appreciate and really rely on. I know that I’m a better mom when I give myself time to socialize with other moms who are similar to me. I know that I’m a better mom when I set myself and my kids up for success in social situations we feel safe and supported in. I’ve learned this over time, and will continue to build my own sphere, but these are just a few things that have helped me in the first four years of motherhood. My biggest suggestions are to find some places where you can stretch yourself slightly outside your comfort zone, and if you vibe with a mom- don’t be afraid to ask her to exchange phone numbers! It’s kind of like a first date!
Your village doesn’t have to be big. Even just one person who will support you when times get hard is so valuable, and can extend over time. When I think back on the postpartum times, my best friend saved me so many times as I navigated postpartum anxiety and the woes of new motherhood. I like to remind new moms that I’m always there as someone to talk to when things get hard, weird, or just need someone who’s been through it, starting in pregnancy. Mom friends are crucial, especially in the beginning.
Support networks can come in all shapes and sizes, make yours fit your own needs in a way that feels good to YOU. No two people are the same, and we all have different ideas of what our perfect support system looks like. My introverted husband and I couldn’t be more different in our social needs and support systems, but we’re both happy with what we’ve created. It may take time to find your groove, and some people just may not be a good fit, and that’s okay too. Figure out what you need and want and build your own empire. As a mother of twins… you are already a superhero! Find your minions and what makes you thrive! You’ve got this! :)
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